


Give Me Faith

by Molli



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Multi, Rape, Sad Ending, Self-Harm, Smut, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-29
Updated: 2015-07-29
Packaged: 2018-04-11 21:16:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4452695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Molli/pseuds/Molli
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Wufan is desperate to find the writer of the note and help him get up. It's easier said than done.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Give Me Faith

_I wish you knew how long I’ve been looking for you, searching for you…_

The note lies hidden in my pocket, already worn yet treasured, carrying your beautiful letters. I don’t know who you are, wandering around the campus with a tight knot in my stomach, sometimes raising my head to stare at the tall, grid-protected windows. I’m so scared that one day I will catch the sight of a corpse being carried out of the gate and I couldn’t protect you. I’ve read the note a hundred times, my heart breaks at every little spot where you pushed your pen harder on the paper.

My thoughts are circling around you; I’ve imagined you tall and short, as a bookworm or as prince charming. Sometimes the wind brushes through your ponytail, other times there’s no hurricane that is able to harm your precisely arranged hair. There are occasions when you’re a swag rapper kid; you stroll through the aisle your snapback pulled over your eyes. Then you shift, and you’re a muscular athlete, crowds of girls running after you. Finally, you’re an emo boy; full of piercings, tattoos, your hair and nails painted black. You’re everywhere, falling in late for law lecture just to talk yourself out with a lame explanation, and then you hold the record of push-ups celebrating at night as the champion of beer pong. There’s still something missing. The only piece left of the jigsaw that completes the picture.

Until a sleepless night I smuggle my box of cigarettes from under my pillow and slip through the shadows for some puffs of smoke…

_Would it be You?_

A broken angel sitting in the corner of the buildings Library, notebook in one hand and a cheap _rosé_ in the other one.

I can’t take my eyes off of your tall, lanky figure as I step closer to you. It becomes crystal clear in my mind that it’s you, it cannot be any other person, there is no doubt. My heartbeat is echoing in the cave of my chest, speeding up every step I take. I can’t see your face from here; what grabs my attention is your wild brunette hair that’s covering your eyes, your big pointy ears and pouty lips. Such an overgrown elf. I have to suppress a grin at your cute appearance.

I come to a halt in front of you; you haven’t noticed me yet. Only when I cast a shadow over your notebook where you’re carving your beautiful letters busily. I hide my hand into my left pocket, pinching the sheet of paper. I’m struggling what to say, how to greet you. _“Hi. You lost something, I thought about giving it back, you must have been searching for it.” “Hello, what’s up? I’m Wufan, what’s your name? Isn’t it you who wrote this?” “Hey…”_

The pen stills between your fingers and you lift your head slowly. Curiosity and caution gleam in your chocolate brown eyes. I’ve just realized that half of the wine is missing and your eyesight is cloudy when you start moving around clumsily.

“Screw all those shitty words. We are not shining stars. Who do they want to feed with such bullshit?” you growl and swing the bottle towards the sky.

I stare at you dumbfounded, this is not how I imagined our first conversation… You mutter some more under your breath and I dare to sit next to you on the concrete radiating the warmness of the autumn sun.

“Yes, I know. I never said we are.” _Believe me, you are! You’re just holding a distorted mirror._

“This is a screwed up life, I don’t even know why I’m still here.” you go on.

I follow you with my gaze, how you swallow the wine in big gulps, and as time goes by I start to warm up to you, it feels like we’ve known each other for decades.

“I know… though I’ve never been through hell like that, I’ve closed enough windows to know you can never look back.” I whisper.

You’re examining me, confused as to why I’m so friendly with you. You’re suspicious, when I lean closer you back away. Your distrust deteriorates when I introduce myself and offer you a cigarette that you gladly accept. You’re easy to buy… I forget about the note in my pocket, I ask your permission to drink some wine and you hand the bottle to me with a shrug.

 

 

* * *

 

Now I’m your guardian soldier not only at my well-locked imagination but at the valleys of reality, too. I keep track of your every move, where you are, what you’re doing, especially who you’re with. I worry the most when you’re alone, because I know your biggest enemy is yourself.

On one of your sensitive days, I’m watching you from afar, you’re sitting amongst your friends, but you’re miles away in your head. You pick up your knife and start to rotate it slowly in your hands. You think no one sees you, the others are stuck to their own tirade of words.

At first, you’re just touching the blade of the knife lightly, then you push it harder into your skin. You hiss when a drop of blood appears on your fingertip but it doesn’t stop you from playing with it.

I’m grasping the edge of the table, my knuckles turn white. I can barely hold myself back from standing up and shouting, _how dare you wound the perfection of your body. “It’s only a clod.”_ you would say upset, ignoring my vehement disagreement.

You’re looking around bored and somehow your eyes meet mine. They widen and you drop your knife knowing you did something bad. I’m smiling with satisfaction and nod towards the garden. I put my tray onto one of the shelves and exit the building. I’m waiting for you under a sycamore, you have no reason not to come. Soon, my ears are hit with the sound of shoes on leaves, followed by your lanky figure.

“Come to my room by four.” I claim.

I swing your arm, the self-torture is evident on your wrist. Gritting my teeth, I move my other hand to slap you in the face. You take it, eyes closed.

“Get yourself together!” I growl for the last time. “I told you a thousand times, if you try to harm yourself, you’re going to get worse from me.”

Students are flowing to the courtyard, running from one building to the other. I don’t want an audience so I take off too. I don’t look back, I don’t want to see your face. It’s hard not to break my walls because all my struggles would be worth nothing then.

 

* * *

 

I didn’t believe you would come when you knock on my door at 4 pm on the dot, not even a minute later. You look at me with a blank face. There are some underclassmen hurrying past you and I manage to catch some of their whispers, saying something about me terrorizing you.

_So that’s what I look like? Do you think the same about our relationship?_

I order you to sit on the bed.

“Are there any classes you’re failing at?” I stand above you awkwardly.

“Oh, your _hyung_ responsibilities came to the surface?” you bark at me, your sentence full of sarcasm.

Furrowing my brows, I try to find an explanation for your rebellious behavior. You’re unpredictable, it’s not a question. First you hide in a corner like hunted prey just to turn into an aggressor after that.

“Chanyeol…” I scratch my throat, demanding respect.

“No! There’s no _Chanyeol_! I’ve come because I didn’t want you to turn up at my room and make a scene in front of the whole dorm. I’m fed up with your behavior.” you pull away when I reach for your shoulder. “If you behave like my father, beating me whenever you see something sharp in my hand, don’t expect me to treat you like my best friend.”

“Chanyeol, you know that I just want to help…”

“NO! Understand? I. Don’t. Need. Your. Help. Especially not like this. This is not a friendship.” you hiss, your voice cracks with anger.

I’ve never seen you this upset before, I don’t even know what to do. My plan’s been shot and now I’m standing here rooted to the floor, watching you slip out of my grip whilst I just want to tie you to myself. You’re waiting for my response but there’s no sound coming out of my mouth, I’m looking at you despairingly.

“Wufan, in this moment we do nothing but speak parallel to each other, none of us accepting the confession of the other. You don’t have to be afraid, I won’t attempt suicide. The blade… the blade serves another intent.”

You’re quiet for some time and I can hardly breathe. Even inhalation requires a lot of energy. You lower your head and turn your attention to your arm, pulling back the sleeve of your sweater.

“The blade…” you start speaking again, your sleeve’s already at your elbow. You rotate your arm so your palm is upward, making me sputter at the scars on your wrist. Thinking back, I’ve never seen you in short-sleeved shirts or you wore some colorful cloth and thick bracelets. Everything makes sense now.

“Why are you doing this?” I reach out to touch the scars.

“The blade… when the emotional pain is too much, some cuts and the physical pain topples. It’s more bearable when you see it manifest in bright colors. Don’t hurt me, Wufan, please. Let me get over the obstacles in silence.”

Anger has already left your features, what’s left is empty, gray resignation.

“Why don’t you let me help?”

“Because you can’t. You can help by not plaguing me. No slaps, no reprimands. It’s me, you can’t change me.” Before I could do anything, you’re nowhere in sight.

 

* * *

 

I make a decision, you’re right. I won’t call, won’t ask, I won’t spell your name again. If I see you somewhere, I change to the opposite way or walk past you without a glance. Of course, my heart breaks doing this, I drag myself to bed lifelessly by the end of the day, to survive the night surrounded by self-pity.

Rumors spread around the campus like wildfire, disgusting fake joy burning the lips. A new lovely couple, Park Chanyeol and Lee Yeonhee.

Yeonhee’s stormy love life’s not a secret for anyone. She has that evil slyness, attacking her prey. Her passion-filled body sucks the powerful energy of the men to leave an empty, bloodshot bottle after. I would have never expected her cruelty to reach you.

This fact led me to the final decision. You cannot be like one of them.

However, it doesn’t matter how hard I run after you, I’m unable to get near you. Yeonhee bounces at me like a dangerous tiger, sinking her dangerous claws into my flesh to push me away from you. She’s approaching her victory while the power’s dropping out of me. Her satanic laughter fills the room as she makes me watch how her snake like arm creeps around your waist and Medusa-like tongue slips between your lips to poison you.

“Wufan, get away from my sight!” she hisses between two kisses, and I need some self-control not to be violent with her.

What hurts me the most is not this, not that Yeonhee treats you like a pet, but the fact that you give her permission. I’ve never seen you rebel, you just float on the waves of her desires while everything that made you who you are vanishes into thin air. You’re trailing like a broken tree stump; the soul flew out of you long ago. Your skin has no more of that healthy peach blush; you’re one leg into the other world. You don’t care about people seeing your wounds duplicating, you suppress all your emotions, and you’re just… being. Alone. I reach for you but my legs are chained to the ground. You have brought damnation for both of us.

 

* * *

 

Yeonhee is stuck with you after six months and this is the longest time she’s tolerated a man. I’m unable to hide how much I worry about you, that you will chase suicide. Now you drink, use drugs and care the least about PDA with her. You get into fights, your list of police cases is long and ongoing. It seems like you enjoy this, you’ve become arrogant, egotistical and insensitive.

I have no place in your life. I don’t have power over you.

Since I’m bad at torturing myself like you, I try other methods. I train to exhaustion. It’s happened several times that I’ve been carried to the emergency room unconscious, but I don’t care. I’ve managed to become phlegmatic to you.

One day, an official letter comes from my dad in China. He’s arranged for me to study there, far away from the whole Chanyeol misery. I open the letter on my way back to my dorm room. The two universities discussed my case and by the intervention of my influential father, moving has been quickened. He’s asked me to bring the letter and the verification to the study office, pack my things and travel to the other side of the sea. I have the plane ticket attached to the envelope, departure is in 3 days.

This is the best news I’ve gotten for weeks. I bounce around the aisle, saying farewell to everyone. When I wake up tomorrow, my first step leads to the office supply shop to buy cardboard boxes. In my mind, I’ve already organized my stuff with a perfect logistical technique, breakables wrapped in newspapers, food given to the adjacent room. It’s time to be thankful for their help.

I don’t look up from the envelope even when I step into my room. I walk to my desk automatically and put the paper down. Suddenly, some movement catches my peripheral sight. I raise my head, scared someone broken in while I was away since I hadn’t locked my door. The letter drops to the floor.

“Hyung…” you stand up from my bed, I need to brace myself at the edge of the desk so I won’t faint.

_How many times have I been dreaming about you appearing in front of me? You apologize for having walked out of my life and you beg me to rebuild our little castle. The bubble where there’s only you and me._

“Hyung…” you reach for the envelope to hand it to me.

 _I don’t believe it. I’m just imagining things. All those clouds of nightmares made me go insane. Unbelievable. You can’t be here. No, no and no._ Rage takes over my desperation. My veins are pumping at a crazy speed filled with sudden power. _What do you think you’re doing, huh? You laugh at me, you despise me, then you waltz on my ashes?_

I grab your wrist and push you to the wall. You collide with the hard concrete letting out a loud hiss. You don’t say anything, you just stare at me with your big puppy eyes full of understanding and apology that make my locked up emotions break free.

“What are you waiting for, Hyung…. Why don’t you hit me?” you whisper. I’m so confused, I’m trying to find some answers again. “Hit me, Hyung!”

My fist on your shirt weakens.

“Wufan, are you deaf?!” you shout into my ears, your voice breaks at the tears welling up in your eyes. “You said you did it because you cared about me! Why don’t you hit me? Why don’t you hurt me? Why did you give up on me? Look…” you hurry to show your bony wrist shining with blood to me. “I was bad. You have to punish me!”

“Get out. Yeonhee’s going to look for you and if she finds you here…”

“Wufan, for God’s sake!” You grab my shirt. You press hard on it like a sailor to the mast on a sinking ship. Your tears are flowing endlessly and when you lean to my shoulder I feel it wetting my shirt. “I don’t want to die…”

“Chanyeol…” It’s so hard organizing my thoughts. “Go back to Yeonhee.”

“No, no… I want you. I’ve always wanted you. She’s a witch, she enchanted me, cursed me. I can’t escape from her, you see?”

You act in haste, tearing my shirt, sucking my collarbones and reaching for my belt with a trembling hand. I’m just standing there, unmoving, watching how your pitiful creature wants to cast an anchor in me.

“It’s too late, Chanyeol. Too late…” I push you away.

I cannot be angry with you. Life is awful enough for you.

“Just one night. I know you want it, too. Be with me, take me, just one night! I swear I’ll disappear after that.” you beg and I hesitate.

 _What does it matter? One night? My biggest dream would come true._ I’m going to be on my way to China three days from today, leaving all my pain behind, starting life with a clean sheet. _Maybe I’m going to regret it later, oh well… I’m sure of it, but…_

“Alright…” I sigh pining you to the wall again.

My knees go between your legs, and when you groan I swallow the air flowing out of your mouth. I won’t be easy on you, won’t be tender, it would only make it harder to let you go. That’s the only way to put an end to our relationship.

You kiss me back like a starving beast, leaving all the control to me. Disgusting, how you submit to my will. That crazy bitch taught you how to surrender. You’re weak, you lust for me but won’t demand. I have to turn the lights down so I won’t see the traces she left on your once perfect skin. You’re not _my_ Chanyeol anymore, you’re _her_ Chanyeol. She trained you like a pet, you obey, and you perform. You don’t rebel, you don’t fight, you don’t want. You’ve become an insignificant nobody… it’s her fault.

I thrust into you mercilessly; you won’t be able to stand up for three days. My teeth are clenched while I’m thrusting into you; an unfamiliar stranger is lying under me, helplessly screaming my name. You’re hurt, you’re in pain and you feel like you’re torn apart. You beg for me to stop, to love you not hate you.

None of us enjoys this. It must be your first day with a man, the worst memory ever. I hope you won’t have sex again for a long time. Maybe Yeonhee will also leave you, seeing the bite marks on your shoulders and neck, the bruises on your thighs and hips.

“You’re a monster…” you sob but you’re unable to move from the pain.

I can’t hear what you’re saying. I pick a bottle of mineral water to cool my burning throat.

“You wanted one night, now you’ve got it.” my voice is cold, like a real monster’s.

“I thought you loved me…”

“It was in the past. Now go! I have to sleep now so I can get up to run errands tomorrow.”

“Wufan…”

“I said GET OUT!”

I grab you by your arm, dragging you to the door. I open it and push you out into the aisle, naked. I throw your clothes out in a heap. _Get out of my life, Park Chanyeol!_

I fall to the bed, endlessly crying breaking out of my lungs while you’re banging on the other side of the door.

_This is where our story ends, Chanyeol._


End file.
